Choosing Your Will over God’s: When God is Quiet

It took many years of healing and self-reflection to realize that one of the main reasons God was silent during my darkest time was initially caused by my own choices. There are horrible people in this world that do horrible things. Sometimes when bad things happen to you it is completely out of your control. However, many times we choose to put ourselves in situations that we know are against God’s will, even when our own gut and those close to us tell us to run the other way.

Do you really need to take another drink? Should you have slept with that man or woman you barely knew? What about that gambling, drug, or porn addiction? It was just one time, right? What harm will come of it?

Everything you do in this world is about choices. Whether you choose to follow God’s will versus your own is what will determine how easy or hard it is for the enemy to pull you into his realm. Once you turn away from God and decide to do your own thing, sometimes God gets quiet. He is waiting for you to come back to him. And sometimes, it takes you failing miserably at life doing things your way to realize you should have listened to God in the first place.

When I was in my 20s, I was driven by many worldly things and my own selfish desires to obtain attention and fame. I wanted to be seen, admired, and flaunted over. I thought if I had fame, it would lead me to the happiness I was missing inside.

My daughter’s father offered fame with modeling, future success with a writing career for his publication, and happiness by telling me he could help me boost my singing career. Both my best friend and my mother tried to warn me not to get involved with my ex-boyfriend. My friend Jody said, “There’s something not right about him, Amy. I don’t trust him.” My mother said something similar to me after meeting him.

I even felt darkness around him, but I still continued to pursue a relationship with my ex-boyfriend even after both those closest to me and my spirit warned me to stay away.

I chose to begin a relationship based on lust, not love. It was fun, exciting, and reckless. I had never dared to venture into that realm before because for the most part I had always done what was right. But this time, I decided to go against the grain even though I knew deep down in my soul it was the wrong choice. I let sin lead me into the lion’s den and it almost ate me alive.

And here’s the thing: once you get ensnared by the enemy, it is very difficult to get away from his clutches. I let my desires for fame, attention, money, and lust lead me into an abusive relationship I could not get out of. Then, the enemy used fear, control, and manipulation to keep me stuck in my situation. “If you ever leave me and try to take our daughter away from me, I’ll kill you and come after the rest of your family,” my daughter’s father told me. And he meant it.

During the time I was trapped in darkness, God was quiet. I had turned away from God over and over again, choosing lust, fame, and attention over His unyielding love. I stopped praying to God because I thought He left me. A few times, God tried to give me a way out so I could leave, but fear won almost every time.

But it was the last time God gave me a way out that I finally listened.

My ex-boyfriend and I were homeless at the time, temporarily staying in the apartment of a stripper he had befriended. Our 4-year-old daughter was there with us. My daughter’s father wouldn’t let me get a regular job because he would lose control of me, so he forced me to work for his multimedia company getting advertisers to pay for ads in his local print publication. Many times, I would come home empty-handed and we would have to beg for food or he would manipulate someone to get us a place to stay.

The morning of the day I left, I prayed to God for help. I asked God, “Please help me leave him.” The night before I left was the last straw. I arrived at the apartment we were staying in after working 12 hours for my ex-boyfriend’s company to find my daughter there, almost starving. She told me her father hadn’t fed her all day, so she ate a two-day old pancake that she found in the fridge. I was livid. It was then that I knew I had to risk it all to save her.

I told my ex-boyfriend I was leaving to work for him, but instead I met up with three friends (two male and one female) who said they would help me leave even if it meant fighting my daughter’s father to get away. They came prepared, bringing nun chucks and wearing brass knuckles on their hands. On the way back to the apartment, my heart was beating so loud I felt like it was going to come out of my chest.

I begged God to help me, praying for him to protect me. And just like that, God was no longer quiet. When we got to the apartment, God kept my daughter’s father asleep the entire time we were gathering my things. We didn’t have to fight him to get me and my daughter to safety. When I chose to follow the right path, God made a way for me to get back to his light.

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If you are in a situation where you don’t feel safe and you are being controlled by fear, manipulation or abuse, remember that God always has your back. There is a way out, but sometimes you don’t see it until you ask God to show you. You must decide to choose God’s will over your own, regardless of how tempting the sin of the world can be. When God is quiet, it means you are not listening. Be faithful and trust in Him, and He will never fail you.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Psalm 91:1-2