When Darkness Consumes Your Joy

*Warning, this contains material that might trigger someone who has been through abuse.

For six years, I was stuck in a relationship that was consumed by darkness. While in college, I met my now ex-boyfriend, a fashion photographer and the owner of a local publication, who convinced me to write and model for his magazine. I was an undergrad student working on a bachelor’s in journalism and I had always wanted to model. Before I knew it, he had brainwashed me, cut me off from my family and friends, and he used fear to keep me with him. I felt God had left me.

But this was more than just domestic abuse, it was a cult. I was seduced and told sex was the only way to “awaken my gift” from God. At that time, I didn’t understand the fruit of the spirit and God’s character the way I do now. I wanted to be closer to Him, so the enemy used that against me. My ex-boyfriend lied and told me I was a Crossbringer, a person with gifts from God that would become more powerful with sexual intimacy. My ex-boyfriend partnered with the enemy who used my gifts from God for his own financial gain.

He also brought other women into the mix, having sex with all of them and convincing them of the same lie—that they were Crossbringers, chosen by my ex-boyfriend to make them more “powerful” with their gifts. In addition to being made to have sex continuously, we were forced to work for my ex-boyfriend with no pay. We also had to move from city to city to find advertisers for my ex-boyfriend’s publication. Essentially, we were pimped and trafficked.

Soon after I became intimate with my ex-boyfriend, I became pregnant. I realized too late that my unborn daughter would be in danger when I first saw my ex’s rage. He was also manipulative, controlling, and violent. During that time, I felt empty. I could not hear God’s voice. I became numb to life.

Over a period of six years, I was forced to endure spiritual, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from my ex. My daughter’s father threw a coffee mug at me from across the room which pegged me right on my arm. It left a hematoma that lasted for over two months. Another time, he pushed me against a wall and tried strangling me just because I had accidentally called the wrong model for an upcoming photo shoot. I also suffered through over 20 forced miscarriages. Every time I miscarried, I felt a part of me die with each unborn child.

There is much more to this story, but it’s too long and difficult to fit onto one page. I realized after I left that God was with me the whole time. He was there crying with me, suffering with me, and enduring the pain with me. There are many more people who have been through similar things…and no one should deserve to go through this.

God has been working with me to restore my joy and to write my full story so that I can help other women who have had to endure similar trauma. When I have a flashback or I am triggered, I just keep reminding myself, “The joy in the Lord is my strength.” – Nehemiah 8:10

Most importantly, I have worked on getting healing. After 15 years of trying to get healing from secular counselors with no success, I realized God was the only one who could heal me. I started attending Heart Freedom, a ministry offered by The MTN Church, that helps people heal from trauma through the blood of Jesus.

After several sessions, I finally felt the darkness being lifted off me. I still have a long way to go, but I now finally have joy returning to my heart and soul. God is so good.